A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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