You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
