so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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