Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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