New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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