for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
