I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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