I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
