So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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