when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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