Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you had me at cake vodka
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
