i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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