my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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