sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
