I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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