why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
