I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
