So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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