There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
