when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
