I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
