i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
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How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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