Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
