This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
