i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
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Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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