5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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