If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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