She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
