Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
