Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
