i just google imaged poop.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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