I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
