when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
