so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
