I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
