my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
