i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
