Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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