I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
