dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
