so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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