Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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