the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
