I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
