I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
