I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
