One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
being pregnant is like rehab
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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