i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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