im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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