my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize