Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
