I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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