Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
