I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think i got beer on your cat.
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