You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
