and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
