im gay
i know
yea but for you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
