hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
