He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
did i walk over a car last night?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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