Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
