I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
