That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
