My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want a musical about memes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
